


chromosome six

by stayhydratxd



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: High School, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-06
Updated: 2018-10-04
Packaged: 2019-07-07 13:53:10
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 13,410
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15909543
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stayhydratxd/pseuds/stayhydratxd
Summary: the year is 1994 and dan howell has a chromosome six disorder that causes him not feel pain, hunger, or tiredness - other than that he's just like any other kid, just like any other person. phil lester hurts himself all the time and makes jokes out of it, as he's used to continuously being in pain.





	1. one

**1980**

dan wasn’t very old by the time his parents had figured out that there was something off about him. he never cried, he didn’t need to nap, and he would never complain about being hungry. when he was a toddler, no older than three, he fell down the stairs, tripping over a small winnie the pooh plush as he went to get more apple juice. his mom heard the noise of dan tumbling down the stairs, rushing over to the stairs, expecting to see daniel showing some form of pain and he wasn’t. it was almost as if he had never fallen down the stairs. there were no tears, no whining, he just stood back up again, smiling like he always did. she didn’t think much of it at the time, thinking of it as if he fell and landed in a way without hurting himself even though the possibility was nonexistent. 

**1982**

when he got a little older at the age of five, he was playing with a few friends at the park. they were running around, laughing as they played tag and the wind blew in their faces, the sun beating down hot on their heads. dan’s dad just supervised, watching as the kids played tag around the playground. he got up as he saw dan tumble down the slides and scrape his knees against concrete. dan didn’t have much of a reaction, though, all he had noticed was that he had fallen down the slide. he could feel it, he knew he scraped his knees, but there was no pain attached to that. that was truly when they realized there was something about dan that made him different, whether for the better or the worse.

so they brought him to the doctor, rightfully so, and had some testing done to see what made daniel different. it took roughly two months before they were sure of what it was, surprised when dan didn’t scream or have a fit when he needed blood to be drawn while other kids were screaming bloody murder when they got their vaccinations. his parents worried there was truly something wrong with him, something life threatening that could take their child from them in any moment. something that could take their happy little kid away from them with any passing day.

they were lucky enough and that wasn’t the case. dan would continue to live and be perfectly healthy, but he had chromosome six deletion. dan couldn’t feel physical pain, he didn’t feel hunger, and he didn’t feel the need for sleep, either. while he still needed to eat and sleep, he wouldn't feel the need to.

there was nothing anyone could do about it, he would be just like every other kid but he wouldn’t get hungry or tired and he wouldn’t feel pain. he was always the one student in pre-school who didn’t need to take naps, he was always the one in school who wasn’t dying for lunch to come, he was always the one where if someone were to shove him he wouldn’t feel it. he could feel the impact, if he were to be punched he would feel the punch but it wouldn't hurt.

**1987**

when he was ten he broke his arm during the summer while running around with olivia. he had accidentally fallen off the balcony, which wasn't too high up, and landed on his arm on the driveway. olivia ran inside, pulling her mom outside in a panic. dan had gotten up as if nothing had happened, feeling nothing and smiled up at the two of them, however his right arm looked different than the other and olivia's mom went down the stairs. "are you okay?" dan nodded his head, "i'm fine, i just fell." she nodded her head, kneeling down to his height, "can i look at your arm for a second?" dan shrugged his shoulders and she gently looked at his arm, "does it hurt at all?" he shook his head and she nodded her head again, "okay, just be careful, alright?" dan smiled and nodded his head, "yes, ma'am." dan and olivia continued playing, olivia's mother trying to figure out what had just happened, but tried not to think much of it.

she called dan's father to let him know of the situation, how dan had fallen from the balcony and onto the concrete but he showed no pain. she mentioned how his arm looked as if it could've been broken, but he said he wasn't hurt. "if he had said it hurt, that he was in pain, would you believe that his arm would be broken?" she leaned against the wall, not quite understanding why she was being asked this, "well, yes, i suppose." she could hear him sigh on the other side of the line, "then he's most likely broken it." she tried to find the right words to use without sounding rude, "but it hurts when you break your arm." 

"usually - it usually hurts. dan doesn't feel pain, he wouldn't know if he were ran over by a car." she paused for a second, "alright, alright, fine. i'll go get have it checked if it's broken or not." she pushed herself off the wall, about to hang up, "i'll pay you the fee back, thank you." she smiled, "you better." she hung the phone up and went back outside where dan and olivia were playing tag, "c'mon, you two, we have to go out!" they ran over to the deck she was standing on and looked up, "where to?" they watched as she went down the stairs, "we've got to go make sure dan didn't break his arm." they just nodded their heads, running to the car and sitting themselves in the back.

"d'you think you broke it?" dan shrugged his shoulders, "i don't know, maybe." olivia nodded her head, her mom getting in the front and starting the car, "then why doesn't it hurt?" dan shrugged his shoulders again, neither of them putting their seatbelts on, "if we're still friends in a year i'll answer that question." she rolled her eyes and they started driving, "why not now?" dan shrugged his shoulders, " 'cause i don't wanna bring attention to it. exactly a year from now, i'll tell you." she groaned, falling back into the seat, "that's, like, really boring. you're boring." dan smiled and fell back into the seat, "maybe i am."

they drove up to the hospital, olivia's mom carefully parking the car. they got out, dan and olivia running into the building while her mom followed close behind. they sat down in the waiting area, talking about video games and cartoons. then they checked dan's arm, repeatedly asking if it hurt or not and every time he answered with, "no." then they scanned his arm, and lo and behold he had broken his arm.

**1994**

it never interfered with anything he did or how his life played out. he fell a lot and he laughed a lot, he was happy and that was the only thing that mattered. he wasn’t harming himself or others and he smiled a lot - he was happy.

he was no longer five or seven or ten anymore, he was sixteen. he was still happy, for the most part. he was a normal seventeen year old kid who couldn’t feel a few things. that was all he was.

daniel howell, the senior who couldn’t feel pain.

he never really told anyone about it, there was no need to. he didn’t need people asking him if he felt certain things or if he didn’t, he didn’t need people asking what it was like. he didn’t want to be known as the kid who couldn’t feel pain, so it was like it was his own little harmless secret.


	2. two

**1994**

dan tapped his pencil on the desk, staring at the clock as he waited for the time to pass by. his history class was agonizingly slow, learning nothing more than dates and people. as long as you could remember the information for a little bit then take the test, you could let it slip your mind without consequence.

it didn’t help any that history was his last class of the day, making it even slower. all he wanted to do was go home, maybe play super mario world or sonic the hedgehog. anything was better than sitting in history class, pretending to listen to a single word that was spoken. dan knew that staring at the clock wouldn’t do anything, if anything it would make time seem slower, but he truly didn’t care. it was better than reading through the heavy textbook that sat in front of him.

as the last few minutes ticked down, dan bounced his leg, eager to get out of the hot and sweaty high school surrounded by faces he saw on the daily. the bell rang loud and clear, students standing up and getting their things together, dan shoving his textbook into his bag and slinging it across his shoulder. he slid past people, getting out of the classroom, already having everything he needed in his bag because he really just wanted to leave.

he pushed the metal doors open and walked past a few more people, walking along the road. he walked down a small hill, leaving the school campus as he headed to a small café shop that was across from the end of the street.

dan crossed his arms as the wind whipped at his skin, the winter cold beginning in late october. it didn’t helped that he had forgotten his jacket at home, so he crossed the street as the cold nipped at his skin and made his cheeks a light pink. he half-ran through the parking lot, pushing the café door open. he sighed, the warmth comfortable against his cold skin and pink cheeks. he let his arms drop to his sides and smiled going up to the register. “hello, what can i get you?” dan thought for a few seconds, “can i have a medium hot chocolate?” she nodded her head, “will that be all, sir?” dan thought for a few more seconds, wondering if he should get a cookie or not. he nodded his head, smiling, “yes.” the woman nodded her head, “that'll be two seventy-five, would you like a.receipt with that?” dan smiled and shook his head, handing three singles over, “i’m alright, thank you - oh, and keep the extra.” she smiled and dan smiled in return, and waited no more than a minute for his hot chocolate.

he carefully took it in his hands that were still cold and sat at his usual small booth table, setting the hot chocolate down as he got his homework out. this was how it went every day that he had school. he would walk to the café, order a thing or two, sit down at the same table, and do his homework, waiting for his friend to either finish detention or basketball depending on the day.

he and olivia were quite different. she could easily get herself in trouble and she played sports nearly every day of the week. dan would much rather sit at home playing video games or reading a decent book. they could both drive, but olivia was the only one with a car. dan’s family couldn’t quite afford a car at that time and he was okay with that, all he needed was a ride home.

dan did his homework to the sound of small talk but after awhile you could get used to it. dan quietly hummed, looking from the textbook to the homework and trying to remember the answers to the questions. dan tapped his pen on the textbook page, biting his lip as he tried to understand what he was reading. to no avail, he groaned and let his his head drop onto the textbook, wondering why he couldn't just figure out what the words that he had read on repeat meant. he had already finished his hot chocolate, too busy to throw the cup at that time. after a few seconds of calming his mind, he got back up and decided to skip that bit and continued.

dan signed, nearly done when olivia dramatically sat down in front of him with half a cookie in her hand, " 'sup, b?" dan shook his head, going back to finishing the last bit of work he had, "stop calling me that." she frowned, poking at him, "why not?" dan closed his books up and gathered his papers, shoving them messily into his backpack, " 'cause i'm not your bitch, that's why. i'm not anyone's bitch, i will never be anyone's bitch." she smiled, standing up with "never, really? c'mon, you'll be someone's bitch eventually." he signed, the two walking side by side as they went to olivia's car, "whatever."

dan got into the passenger, throwing his bag by his feet as olivia got in on the other side of the car. she turned the car on, the cold getting to the car as they waited for the heat to turn on. before they started she turned the radio down and then they were driving down the road with "basket case" playing too loud, laughing over nothing and yelling the lyrics along with the song. a few songs and meaningless laughter later, olivia stopped in front of dan's house, "good to go?" dan nodded his head, getting out of the car with his bag in hand, "don't forget to pick me up." she smiled, "when have i ever?" dan shrugged his shoulders and slammed the door shut, walking around to the front door and then she was gone.

he fumbled with the key, hoping that the locks hadn't froze yet. he tried a few times and it didn't work, and so he aggressively tried unlocking and opening the door to no avail, hitting his head against the door. he breathed for a few seconds and walked to the side of the house, unlocking the garage. he pulled the door up, walked under, then closed it behind him, locking it back up. he walked inside, begging for some form of warmth and ran to his room. he dropped his bag to the floor, quickly turning the tv on and wrapping himself in blankets.

he spent the evening playing video games until his parents came home, to which he then had a nice, small dinner with them and they talked about their days and they made sure dan was doing well in school. they both came home quite late every night, around eight, and that was when they would have dinner. they were a small, happy family with a roof over their heads, it was all they needed. he then washed his plate off and set it in the dishwasher, followed by getting ready for bed.

he laid in his bed, staring at the wall while he wondered what his life would turn out to be. maybe one day he would be someone's bitch, he really didn't know. all he knew was the past and the present and could only dream about the future, but he was alright with that, as what he wanted his future to be would most likely never happen. but his long term future wasn't what mattered, he just had to get through high school and hope for the best when it came to college.


	3. three

**1986**

dan bounced on his feet, wondering what would come first: would his mom come out of the bathroom or would the coffee be ready? it wasn't very busy, possibly because it was six-thirty in the morning on a wednesday, so he just waited.

a woman walked into him from the side, coffee in hand with a phone to her ear. half of her coffee spilt over him, "oh my god- i'm so sorry, are you alright?" dan smiled and nodded his head, forgetting that the coffee was burning hot and most people would react, "i'm fine." she slowly nodded her head, "alright, i'm really sorry." dan smiled and his mother came out of the bathroom, "it's alright." the woman continued to her location, apologizing once more and dan's mom came over, "are you alright?" dan nodded his head and then her drink was ready. dan got a few napkins, getting whatever coffee on him off that he could, his mother getting her drink. she would've panicked, she did for a moment, but then remembered dan wasn't able to feel the pain behind scolding coffee hitting against his skin.

"c'mon, daniel, you need to get to school." dan followed behind his mother, both his backpack and shirt smelling of coffee and his arm a light shade of red. he followed her like a duckling would as they walked down the streets, several cars passing by as they did every morning. people had jobs to be at and kids to drop off, only his dad had a car so his mom would walk him to school and then walk to her job that was a little down the street. then he would walk back home with olivia, who had been his friend since he was seven. she was a bit older than he was, his birthday in june and her's in late october, but in the end it didn't matter. they were still in the same class and got along, walking home after school ended.

**1994**

"ollie, no - i don't care what she did, don't throw a damn apple at her head." she didn't listen and dan tried to grab the apple out of her hand before she could throw it, but wasn't able to. he turned as he saw the apple hit the back of the girl's head and drop to the floor. he turned back to olivia who was doing everything in her power not to laugh. "why would you do that," he whispered, not wanting to have to get involved in what was about to break out, " 'cause i saw her and chris behind the bleachers and i'm positive she ended up giving him a blow job." dan opened his mouth, closed it, and thought for a second, "what if she didn't know he was cheating?" she rolled her eyes and crossed her arms, " 'course she knew, i know she did." dan signed, setting his head on the table.

that was a peace that lasted only a few seconds though, dan hearing chunky sneakers coming towards the table. he signed and brought his head up, "why the hell would you throw an apple, of all things, at me?" olivia shrugged her shoulders, "maybe 'cause you're blowin' people's boyfriends." she stood there for a second, her facial expression dropping as the tables around them had quieted down, but not the whole cafeteria. "you knew that he was with me, didn't you?" olivia asked, more in a mocking tone rather than an actual question, "and you still did it anyway." dan ate his food, trying to pretend like he wasn't in front of two high schoolers arguing over boyfriends and sucking dick. "so what if i did?" dan's fork fell out of his hand and he bit his tongue, "oh, you bitch!" olivia got up, dan nearly falling out of his seat as he got up to hold her back from starting a fight in the middle of the cafeteria. "ollie- no, no, we're not beating the shit out of someone for sucking your boyfriend off." she tried to push past him, dan doing his best to keep her from tearing the girl inside out. the girl walked in the other direction out of the cafeteria and dan grabbed olivia's arm before she could chase after her, "chill out, alright? it's not like it's all her fault." she huffed and sat back down in the chair, dan sighing as he calmly sat in front of her, "are you sayin' it's my fault?" dan shook his head, "no, it's chris. this is, what, the third time this has happened?" she looked away from dan, her arms crossed, "you've gotta leave him, ollie."

"i know."

it wasn't too much later that the bell rang signalling next class and the two threw their leftover things away and walked into the crowded hallways, "hey - meet me at my locker at the end of the day, yeah?" dan nodded his head, "m'kay, i'll meet you at your locker and don't get into anymore fights." olivia walked backwards into their classroom, "i'm not making any promises." dan rolled his eyes as she smiled, " 'course not." they sat next to each other in the back which wasn't their best idea but they made it work.

dan usually sat either in the front, or in the middle of the classroom, the back proven to give him all the opportunity not to pay attention, but olivia had convinced him to sit in the back with her. he would have to do his best to keep himself from laughing, but even though they had come close, they never got detention. dan was a good student; he did all his work, he studied, he paid attention in class - he did what he needed, and was supposed to do. olivia was less of that, more doing her homework in the classroom the day it was due, guessing on the tests, and getting detention left and right all while maintained sports on the side.

naturally, they were different and they were similar but in the end they got along. she was his best friend of nine years, they knew everything about each other. she was the only one who knew that dan couldn't feel pain, hunger, or tiredness. he was the only one who knew how her outbursts worked. they got along and they made it work, they had been doing it for nine years and would continue to do just that.

at the end of the day dan went over to olivia's locker, rushing over when he saw her practically at a black haired boy's throat. he pulled her back and away from the guy, "listen, i know you're pissed about the whole chris situation, but jesus christ, calm down. finish getting your things so we can be gone." she huffed and turned back to her locker, dan turning back to the black haired guy, "i'm really sorry 'bout that." he just shook his head and smiled, "it's alright, thank you, though." dan smiled, his eyes were very blue, "well, i'm dan, see you 'round?" the guy smiled again, "i'm phil, and i'm looking forward to it." dan bit his lip and then phil was passing by the two of them, "you good to go?" dan nodded his head and then the both of them walked out of the school.

dan sat in the passenger and olivia got into the front seat, throwing her bag into the back, "would you be alright if i skipped school tomorrow?" dan nodded his head, "it's cool." she was quiet for a few seconds before starting the car, "thanks."


	4. four

**1994**

dan had to ride the bus to school, which was something he hadn't done in ages, nor did he want to do. it was cold and there was nothing to do as he stared out the window, waiting to get to the school as they passed snow covered ground and slowly drove over black ice. eventually he got to his first class, just barely being able to pay attention through the exhaustion. he tapped his pencil on his arm, paying attention to the teachers in between writing notes, wishing for the day to be over because then it was the weekend and he would be able to sit around and do nothing but play video games all day.

while at his locker, getting the things he needed for his classes before lunch, phil came up to him, his hair a mess and his lips pale, "what's up?" dan turned to him, phil looking shaken up, "do you think i could sit with you at lunch?" dan shrugged his shoulders and closed the locker, putting his bag over his shoulder, "i don't see why not." a wave of relief washed over phil's face and he smiled, "thank you." dan smiled a bit, curious as to what was going on, " 'course." the bell rang and they both rushed to their separate classes, dan not paying much attention in biology unlike he normally did. his tongue rested at the roof of his mouth as he thought about how phil was pretty and pale, how his his lips were parted and how it looked when he smiled, and how he would willingly drown in the blue that remained in phil’s eyes. he knew he wasn't supposed to think about how boys were pretty, much less in biology, but he couldn't help it.

dan tried to distract his thoughts by focusing on the lesson, wanting lunch to come around faster than ever. biology went by slow, but when the bell rang he practically jumped out of his seat, grabbing his things so he could go through french and then talk with phil.

oh, the things attractive guys did to him.

when the bell rang, signalling the end of french, dan nearly fell out of his chair, catching the attention of the others around him. he ignored it, though, he didn’t care what they thought of him. he grabbed his bag and then calmly got his lunch, wondering what phil was like. it was maybe a minute after dan had sat down that phil sat in front of him, his hair still messy and he was still distraught. "can i ask why you wanted to sit with me, 'cause i'm sure you have a group of friends you sit with." phil nodded his head, picking at his food, “i do - i do, but they're threatening to spread a rumor about me." dan slowly nodded his head, "if you ask me, they don't sound like good friends." phil shrugged his shoulders, dan looking at him carefully, "why're they threatening you?" phil didn’t get any calmer with any passing moment, almost scared, so dan remained as calm as he could in hopes it would help phil a little, "because i have this information that i really shouldn't have and i need to tell a specific someone, so they're keeping me from that because it could ruin.. relationships, of sorts." dan nodded his head again, "so you've got yourself in a drama circle, hm?" phil shrugged his shoulders, "i guess." dan thought for a few moments, wondering if he could help solve in any way.

"what if," he set his fork down and phil looked at him, "you tell me the info and i tell the person who needs to know. that way it's not your fault and you don't have a rumor spread." phil nervously bounced his leg, "is this rumor more than a rumor?" phil nodded his head and dan sighed, "m'kay, well, i think my plan works out pretty well. what do you think?"

phil was quiet for a moment, thinking as dan took a few more bites of his food, "do you really want to do that, 'cause you'll get dragged into a shitstorm." dan shrugged his shoulders, "i'll manage." phil didn't calm down any and dan didn't know how to help, so he would just help and listen, "can we go outside?" dan thought for a second then shrugged his shoulders and the two stood up, "i don't see why not." dan carelessly put his hands in his jacket pockets, following behind phil as they stepped outside where light snow fell and wind made their cheeks red, "so what's the deal?" phil took a second to respond, "do you know who chris is? christian hayes?" dan facial expression dropped and he nodded his head, "i'm well aware of who he is." phil nodded his head and dan leaned against the building with his arms crossed, biting his tongue, "so i'm sure you know that he's a really bad cheater." dan nodded his head, "and that he once almost, not quite, but almost raped anna." dan was still for a second, "and that he occasionally does acid?" dan shook his head, "i just- don't know what i'm supposed to do in this situation. you want me to help you, great, but how?" phil shrugged his shoulders, "i don't know, i just need to tell someone because if i don't i'll live the rest of my life in regret." dan slowly nodded his head, "right." phil nodded his head and they were quiet for a few seconds, "i don't know, maybe i just needed to tell someone, but you should probably just let olivia know. i would, but the rumor that isn't a rumor can single handedly destroy everything i have now and whatever future i had." dan slowly nodded his head, "olivia, as in, olivia bradley?" phil nodded his head and dan bit his lip, "as in the girl you made angry yesterday?" phil nodded his head again, "yeah." dan stared at the snow covered ground for a few seconds, "m'kay, does talking to him work? having a totally civilized conversation?" phil thought for a second, "i think i just needed to tell someone, which makes me seem like a shit person." dan shook his head and smiled, "not at all, but that's what i'm going to do and no one can stop me." phil smiled a little, "just don't bring my name up." an nodded his head, "will do- wait, why won't they let you tell anyone?" phil shrugged his shoulders, "because chris is where they get their acid from." dan smiled, "that's absurd." phil nodded his head, "it is."

"am i allowed to know what the rumor that's not a rumor is?" phil didn't respond and dan looked for something in his eyes, "it's alright, i don't need to know." phil shook his head and dan remained quiet, letting him sort his thoughts out, "how about we hang out this weekend?" dan raised his eyebrows, phil far more relaxed than he had been only moments before, "what would you like to do?" phil smiled a little, "we could just hang out at my place, it’s too cold to actually do anything." dan smiled and pushed himself off against the wall, "i'm down, give me your address after school, yeah?" phil smiled and nodded his head, dan biting his lip, "yeah."


	5. five

**1994**

olivia leaned against the lockers as dan got his things, "you seriously have to end things with chris." dan zipped his bag closed, "and what sparked this conversation?" dan signed, closing his locker and turning to olivia, "i can't- well, i can- i will, i just can't do it here- at school- where they- chris- where chris is." olivia looked at him as if he had lost his mind, "right, sure, what are you on?" dan put his bag over his shoulder, "what? i'm not on anything. i'll just tell you why later, alright? just trust me on this one." she sighed and dan looked past her.

his breath hitched and he bit his tongue, phil leaning against a set of lockers. his hair was pushed back and his lips were parted as he listened to the girl standing in front of him. he was so pretty and so handsome, and jesus christ, he was so distracting. the they girl squealed and took took his face in her hands, kissing him. it hurt because he knew from the beginning it would never be anything. and oh god, when he smiled after that kiss it was only worse. he was stiff, unable to move, and he hated it. then the girl walked away and their eyes met, dan biting his tongue harder. phil bit his lip and dan's breath was shaky. "god forgive me," he whispered, phil giving a small wave which dan returned.

olivia snapped in front of his face and dan took a deep breath, looking back at her. she looked back but there was nothing to see, "what were you staring at for like, a solid minute and a half?" dan shook his head, "it's nothing."

the bell rang and dan went to class, wanting to have someone to blame when there was only himself. dan didn't want to stop being friends, phil was nice and no less than a great friend. he would just get past his crush and everything would go back to normal.

**1992**

"i think he's cute, what about you?" dan looked up at the boy olivia was pointing at and while his heart was beating fast, he just shrugged his shoulders, "i guess." dan bounced his leg because noah was cute and dan didn't like it. olivia ended up dating noah, but that didn't stop the glances, the red cheeks, the shallow breath- it only made it worse.

"i should really get going," dan said, grabbing his bag as he stood up. he, olivia, and noah had been working on a school project. "i probably should, too." dan's heart dropped and he knew his blush was bad but he ignored it, holding his head low as he walked out the door. "dan," he kept walking, hearing noah's footsteps, "dan, stop running away." dan didn't listen, only going faster. noah grabbed dan's wrist which fell into dan's hand, turning him around. dan could hardly breathe, quietly asking, "what are you doing?" noah tightened his grip on dan's hand and dan felt like he was about to have a heart attack, "i'm holding your hand." dan couldn't tell if he was shaking or not, "why are you doing that?" noah looked sad, rubbing his thumb on dan's hand, "i dunno, cause you're cute? you're nice and you're funny and you make my heart go fast." dan's cheeks were a dark red, trying to search his face for something to tell him that this was all a lie, a cruel prank, but everything noah said and did was genuine. "you're going to kill me," dan whispered, "you're seriously going to kill me." noah grabbed dan's other hand, taking a small step closer. "i don't know what you're doing but you probably shouldn't." noah moved a bit closer again, only centimeters away from brushing nose, "why not?" noah slid his hands to rest on dan's waist, "because you're with olivia and that'd be cheating." noah's glanced down at dan's lips, "if you want me to stop, i will." noah flicked his eyes back up to dan's, dan not responding for a few seconds.

dan crashed his lips onto noah's, pulling him closer by his jacket, noah pulling him closer by his waist. noah pulled away and they looked at each other, "i'm assuming you don't like girls?" dan smiled, "what gave it away?" they could feel each other's breath on their lips, surrounded by dark houses and flickering street lamps, "call it a lucky guess." they were quiet again, not even bothered by a car passing by. noah hesitantly matched his lips back to dan's, the fourteen year old boys too focused on each other than anything else in the world.

**1994**

"alright, i'm not a dumbass, what's up?" dan shook his head, "it's nothing." olivia crossed her arms, "oh yeah, i'm sure." dan smiled, picking up some of his food, "fantastic." she groaned in annoyance, leaning back into the chair. "we've been friends for like, ten years, how hard is it to talk to me?" dan signed, setting his things down. "fine. i'll tell you everything after school, but i need one thing in return." olivia sat up, "you can't tell anyone." she shrugged her shoulders and held her hand out and they shook on it, "sounds like a deal."

school was slow and dan was nervous, but they were eventually sat on olivia's car, on the bridge. dan took a deep breath before saying it all quickly, "chris almost raped anna, he also does acid, i'm gay, and i also have a crush." olivia took a second to process everything you heard, "well no shit, sherlock, did you think i didn't know you liked guys?" dan opened his mouth, trying to find the right words, "point is, i've known you for ages, i know you." dan smiled a bit, looking at the ground, "so, are you gonna tell me about your crush?" dan shrugged his shoulders, olivia sitting down next to him on the roof of the car. "but then that makes it real and it's not like i have much of a chance." she moved so she was standing in front of dan, "it's real either way, you either tell me or i figure it out."

"then figure it out."


	6. six

**1994**

olivia leaned against the lockers as dan got his things, "you seriously have to end things with chris." dan zipped his bag closed, "and what sparked this conversation?" dan signed, closing his locker and turning to olivia, "i can't- well, i can- i will, i just can't do it here- at school- where they- chris- where chris is." olivia looked at him as if he had lost his mind, "right, sure, what are you on?" dan put his bag over his shoulder, "what? i'm not on anything. i'll just tell you why later, alright? just trust me on this one." she sighed and dan looked past her.

his breath hitched and he bit his tongue, phil leaning against a set of lockers. his hair was pushed back and his lips were parted as he listened to the girl standing in front of him. he was so pretty and so handsome, and jesus christ, he was so distracting. the they girl squealed and took took his face in her hands, kissing him. it hurt because he knew from the beginning it would never be anything. and oh god, when he smiled after that kiss it was only worse. he was stiff, unable to move, and he hated it. then the girl walked away and their eyes met, dan biting his tongue harder. phil bit his lip and dan's breath was shaky. "god forgive me," he whispered, phil giving a small wave which dan returned.

olivia snapped in front of his face and dan took a deep breath, looking back at her. she looked back but there was nothing to see, "what were you staring at for like, a solid minute and a half?" dan shook his head, "it's nothing."

the bell rang and dan went to class, wanting to have someone to blame when there was only himself. dan didn't want to stop being friends, phil was nice and no less than a great friend. he would just get past his crush and everything would go back to normal.

**1991**

"i think he's cute, what about you?" dan looked up at the boy olivia was pointing at and while his heart was beating fast, he just shrugged his shoulders, "i guess." dan bounced his leg because noah was cute and dan didn't like it. olivia ended up dating noah, but that didn't stop the glances, the red cheeks, the shallow breath- it only made it worse.

"i should really get going," dan said, grabbing his bag as he stood up. he, olivia, and noah had been working on a school project. "i probably should, too." dan's heart dropped and he knew his blush was bad but he ignored it, holding his head low as he walked out the door. "dan," he kept walking, hearing noah's footsteps, "dan, stop running away." dan didn't listen, only going faster. noah grabbed dan's wrist which fell into dan's hand, turning him around. dan could hardly breathe, quietly asking, "what are you doing?" noah tightened his grip on dan's hand and dan felt like he was about to have a heart attack, "i'm holding your hand." dan couldn't tell if he was shaking or not, "why are you doing that?" noah looked sad, rubbing his thumb on dan's hand, "i dunno, cause you're cute? you're nice and you're funny and you make my heart go fast." dan's cheeks were a dark red, trying to search his face for something to tell him that this was all a lie, a cruel prank, but everything noah said and did was genuine. "you're going to kill me," dan whispered, "you're seriously going to kill me." noah grabbed dan's other hand, taking a small step closer. "i don't know what you're doing but you probably shouldn't." noah moved a bit closer again, only centimeters away from brushing nose, "why not?" noah slid his hands to rest on dan's waist, "because you're with olivia and that'd be cheating." noah's glanced down at dan's lips, "if you want me to stop, i will." noah flicked his eyes back up to dan's, dan not responding for a few seconds.

dan crashed his lips onto noah's, pulling him closer by his jacket, noah pulling him closer by his waist. noah pulled away and they looked at each other, "i'm assuming you don't like girls?" dan smiled, "what gave it away?" they could feel each other's breath on their lips, surrounded by dark houses and flickering street lamps, "call it a lucky guess." they were quiet again, not even bothered by a car passing by. noah hesitantly matched his lips back to dan's, the fourteen year old boys too focused on each other than anything else in the world.

**1994**

"alright, i'm not a dumbass, what's up?" dan shook his head, "it's nothing." olivia crossed her arms, "oh yeah, i'm sure." dan smiled, picking up some of his food, "fantastic." she groaned in annoyance, leaning back into the chair. "we've been friends for like, ten years, how hard is it to talk to me?" dan signed, setting his things down. "fine. i'll tell you everything after school, but i need one thing in return." olivia sat up, "you can't tell anyone." she shrugged her shoulders and held her hand out and they shook on it, "sounds like a deal."

school was slow and dan was nervous, but they were eventually sat on olivia's car, on the bridge. dan took a deep breath before saying it all quickly, "chris almost raped anna, he also does acid, i'm gay, and i also have a crush." olivia took a second to process everything you heard, "well no shit, sherlock, did you think i didn't know you liked guys?" dan opened his mouth, trying to find the right words, "point is, i've known you for ages, i know you." dan smiled a bit, looking at the ground, "so, are you gonna tell me about your crush?" dan shrugged his shoulders, olivia sitting down next to him on the roof of the car. "but then that makes it real and it's not like i have much of a chance." she moved so she was standing in front of dan, "it's real either way, you either tell me or i figure it out."

"then figure it out."


	7. seven

**1992**

dan and noah sat rather close in the booth, olivia her friend across from them. they were loosely holding their hands under the table, the two sides having completely different conversation. "do you wanna do something after this?" dan smiled, biting his lip as he responded with a hummed 'mhm.' dan looked over at olivia and noah squeezed his hand, "what's wrong?" dan shook his head, turning back to noah, "it's nothing, really, it's nothing." noah frowned, "dan.." dan didn't respond, looking into noah's eyes because they were soft and calming and they distracted him from his thoughts. "alright, c'mon," noah gently pulled dan out of the booth and turned to olivia and her friend, "we'll be back." olivia just smiled in return, the two walking outside where the hot sun beat down on their skin. "what's wrong," he whispered, lightly setting one hand on dan's waist and the other on his cheek. "i don't know," dan thought for a second, "i just, i don't want you to be cheating on olivia with me." noah smiled sadly, "dan, we're broken up. she ended it earlier this week, alright?" dan nodded his head and hugged him, burying his face in the crook of noah's neck. "is that all?" dan shrugged his shoulders and noah began placing light kisses along dan's neck. dan hummed in response, "you're going to kill me."

his lips were soft which sent shivers down dan's spine as he pulled him closer. the amount of times he had heard people say that it was unnatural dissolved out of his memory because it was the best thing dan had ever felt. he didn't need the world to tell him if what he did was normal or okay, all that mattered was that he was happy.

noah moved to the beginning dan's jaw and mumbled, "what's wrong?" dan felt so many things and there were so many thoughts going through his head, "nothing anymore." noah was quiet for a second, breathing slowly, "what does that mean?" dan was holding noah's shirt in his fists and he didn't care about anything outside of them, "it means that you make me happy." dan could feel noah smile and dan didn't want to have to leave. "do i now?" dan hummed in response, noah bringing his lips over to dan's. "we should go back inside," he whispered, and dan was slow to respond, "i'd rather stay here." they could feel each other's breath on their lips, "i know, but i said we'd be back." dan gently kissed him, short and sweet, "alright." they didn't move for a little bit, stalling for as long as they could to stay like that. "we're gonna have rocks thrown at us, aren't we?" noah nodded his head, "of course." they both smiled and went back inside, sitting across from olivia, her friend gone. "where'd she go?" she looked up, hardly noticing that they had come back, "who, anna? she had to leave." dan nodded his head and looked over at noah who smiled, reassuring dan from every little thought in his head.

**1994**

"good luck, dork." dan smiled, handing olivia his bag and walked over to chris, wrapping his arm around him, "hey chris, how's it goin'? everything good at home?" chris rolled his eyes, grabbing the rest of his things, "what do you want?" dan was smiling like he never had before, lying through his teeth, "i just wanna talk, y'know? don't act like you study now." chris signed, closing his locker, "the only reason i haven't punched you yet is because olivia would skin me alive." dan nodded his head, taking his arm off of chris, "i know. you don't have a choice though, let's go." chris groaned, never not annoyed with dan, but particularly annoyed in that moment. he followed dan because if he didn't, dan would tell olivia and then olivia would go off on him and he had no idea how to calm her down. dan brought him outside and by the bleachers where olivia sat, dan's bag next to her as she talked on the phone.

"why am i here?" dan was practically skipping, "to have a friendly conversation." dan turned around and dan smiled, "sit down on the bleachers or i will break your nose." chris sighed, looking at dan like he had lost it. "so," dan clasped his hands together, "i'm sure you're wondering why in the hell you're here, and that, my good friend, is because you are the human equivalent of an absolute fucking garbage dump. i mean, i'm giving you more of a chance than you gave olivia, aren't?"

"oh, you son of a bitch-" dan put his hand up, "you move and i swear to god that you won't live to see another day. not only that, how many times have you done acid?" chris looked down at the ground for a few seconds then back at dan, "this is childish." dan shrugged his shoulders, "maybe it is, but frankly, i do not care in the slightest. so what we're going to do is hopefully make you understand that you're not a good person." chris signed and stood up, "alright, i'm leaving." dan crossed his arms, "and why would you do that?" chris ran his hand through his hair, "because i did fuck up, really, really bad. i took shit i shouldn't have and that's still no excuse and i did cheat on olivia and i don't know why. i almost completely ruined anna's life and i have no idea how to fix any of it." no one moved for a few seconds, "at least you know you're garbage, but i think you do know why." dan bit his lip and chris completely froze, dan delaying looking at olivia, "i think you should leave." olivia was about to argue but dan looked at her and everything made sense, "alright."

they left and chris fell back down onto the bleachers and dan sighed, going over and sitting down next to him. "i don't know what, i mean i can guess but i'm not going to do that, but you know so you need to sort that out." chris ran his hand through his hair, "guess." dan turned his body so he could face him, "i don't want to do that." chris turned so they were sitting in front of each other, "just guess what it is." dan signed, "i'm not going to-" dan was shut up with chris' lips on his, dan not knowing how to respond. he pulled away and dan's cheeks were red, "oh, um, i- i don't like you.. like that, or much at all. um, but that's cool, you're surprisingly a good kisser- i don't like where this is going, i'm going to shut up now." dan coughed to clear his throat, "i know that you don't." dan bounced his leg, "dan." he looked at him, "yes, that's my name. my name is dan, dan is my name- dan howell is me." chris signed, "you good?" dan nodded his head, "i am great, totally not at all freaking out. i never thought you were really, really hot and had a small crush on you. i really need to learn how to be quiet." chris bit his lip, amused, "you had a crush on me?" dan bit the inside of his cheek, "what? no," he dragged both words out and chris just slowly nodded his head and dan sighed, "fine, yes, i had a crush on you, but you kissed me. am i dreaming?" chris shook his head, "you get flustered easy." dan nodded his head, "that is true- very, very true." dan dropped his head into his hands, "i'm sorry. you've done bad things and then you kissed me and now i can't think." chris gently tilted dan's head up, "i can do it again." dan freezing up, "you- you can? i mean, of course you can. what am i saying?" chris smiled, "do you want me to?" dan couldn't breathe, "i don't know." chris' tongue rested at the roof of his mouth, looking over dan's face, "what are you trying to do to me?" chris shrugged his shoulders, "what do you want me to do to you?" dan swallowed, "i don't- i don't know." chris traced his finger along dan's jaw, "why are you doing this?" dan breathed slowly, trying to calm himself down, "because i know i've fucked up and i know i can't make it up to anyone or anything. i can't fix my mistakes, but hey, if a boy's cute a boy's cute." dan didn't respond, not knowing how.

"what are you doing?" dan moved back and looked at olivia, "nothing. i am doing nothing, just talking, yup, just talking. that's all i'm doing. did you know chris is really good at kissing.. 'cause i wouldn't, nope- i am so dead, fuck." chris put his head in his hand, mumbling, "jesus christ." olivia sighed and shook her head, "you're ridiculous, seriously." dan pointed at chris, "he kissed me first!" they both looked at him the same way, saying at the same time, "are you five?" dan didn't respond and pressed his lips together. "whatever, i'm leaving." dan still wasn't able to think so he just nodded, "yes, you do that." she just shook her head and left, "smooth. really, really, smooth." dan signed, "i need to learn how to talk." dan turned back to chris who was trying not to laugh, "what?" he was smiling widely, "you're adorable." dan bit his lip, his cheeks hot, "c'mon, i'll drive you home." chris stood up, grabbing his bag, "what, why?" dan didn't move from where he was sat, "because your ride is gone and you don't have any other friends."

"okay, firstly, that is very true and i should've left with olivia. secondly, i take offense to that, i have plenty of other friends." chris slowly nodded his head, "tell me one friend you have that isn't olivia." dan thought for a second and chris just sighed and started walking away. dan got up, tripping over his feet because he really didn't want to walk home. "phil," he said, dragging the word out as he was questioning it, because he was- he didn't know phil's last name. "sounds real." chris opened the passenger door, "he is real- he has black hair and pale skin and really pretty blue eyes." dan stared for a second then got in the car, "you like him." chris closed the door before dan could respond, "what? no-" dan realized he wasn't listening and sighed, chris opening the door and sitting down, "i don't like him." he started the car and closed the door, "sure you don't." dan rolled his eyes, "and how do you know that?"

"because i am forced to be around you all the time. you're best friends with olivia and you never ever shut up." dan nodded his head and they were out of the school parking lot, "that is true." dan tapped his fingers on his thigh, "why did you kiss me?" chris was quiet for a few seconds, "because as annoying as you are, you're cute." dan nodded his head and looked out the window, "okay, but how did you know i wasn't going to punch you?" chris thought for a second, "it's not that hard to figure out, the way you look at guys gives it away." dan nodded his head again, "great." dan was quiet for a few seconds, "if i were to ask.. if you would actually kiss me again, what would you say?" he looked over at chris who paused, "do you want me to?" dan shrugged his shoulders, "would it be worth it?" he watched as chris tightened his grip on the steering wheel, "what does that mean?" dan smiled, "what do you want it to mean?" they were stopped at a light, "i don't know." dan bit his lip and looked outside, "why didn't you just say it?" the light didn't switch so chris turned to dan, "you're a dumbass." dan thinking of a response while chris pulled over into a library parking lot. "why are we-" chris shut him up again, connecting their lips with dan kissing back. he pulled back, but not very far, "does it make sense now?" dan hummed 'mhm,' his thoughts not making any sense. "we can completely ignore that this ever happened, if you want." dan brought their lips back together and slid into his lap, straddling his thighs. "or we can not," he whispered, brushing chris' hair out of his face, "we can do that, too." dan smiled, "are you okay with that?" chris smiled, his hands on dan's waist, "yeah."


	8. eight

**1994**

"i'm going to kill you, i'm serious." dan walked faster out of the café, pushing the doors open, "doesn't count if i can't hear you!" dan opened the car door and sat down, tapping his fingers on his backpack. she opened the door, sat down, then slammed it shut. "dan-" he turned to olivia, "it's not like we had sex, the only clothing removed was my jacket 'cause it was hot." she just shook her head, "dan, you have hickeys on your neck. you didn't even have a jacket." dan's cheeks went red, "okay, fine, but we didn't fuck." she sighed and started the car, "what? this is only the second time that one of your boyfriends have kissed me." she looked at dan, "second?" dan bit his lip and turned to look out the window, "fuck." he went for the door handle but she locked it and dan smiled, turning back to her. "dan," she said calmly, "what do you mean second?" dan took a deep breath in, "do you remember noah? he may, or may not have, kissed me and then we may, or may not have, been a teeny tiny little thing." she whispered incoherent words under her breath, "you think about this and we can talk later, alright?" he unlocked the door, "dan…" he shook his head, "i'm serious, ollie." she sighed and he opened the door, "i'll talk to you tomorrow if i'm not dead." dan closed the door and went back inside, making sure that olivia had left. he sat back down at the table he had been at, finishing his homework and studying.

dan sighed, closing the books and putting his papers in his bag and made sure he had everything. "do you mind if i sit with you?" dan looked up and smiled, " 'course not." phil smiled, sitting down. snow contrasted from his hair, quickly melting and dan acted as normal as he could. he felt his skin tingle, never happier that people couldn't see what he had done and what had been done to him. he adjusted the loose turtleneck sweater, practically sweating, "i talked to chris and everything is fine now." dan could feel his body heat up, feeling every light touch that he had felt the day before. "oh, that's good." dan nodded his head and ran his hand through his hair, "can i ask," phil barely pointed at dan's neck, "that- that's nothing, nothing at all, nope. in fact, i have no idea what you're talking about." phil slowly nodded his head, "have you ever been told you're a bad liar?" dan sighed and nodded his head, "all the time." phil smiled, "i won't ask." dan nodded his head, "that's probably for the better. i'm digging myself into a hole, aren't i?" phil nodded his head, chuckling, "yeah." they were comfortably quiet for a little bit until phil looked at the clock, "saying as it is seven, i don't assume you have the ride?"

"i mean, no-" phil didn't let him finish, "do you want me to drive you?" dan shook his head, "no, it's alright." phil sighed, running a hand through his hair, "i get you won't feel it, but you can still get sick." dan sighed, "fine." phil smiled and dan grabbed his bag, following him outside where snow fell heavy. dan began humming as they got in the car, not knowing what to think. he was sitting in a car with a guy whom he was desperately crushing on and the day before he had hooked up with what is now olivia's ex-boyfriend. "i'm assuming you wanna go to your house?" dan shrugged his shoulders, "i really don't care where i go." phil thought for a second, looking at dan as he looked outside "alright." it was quiet while dan tried to think, his thoughts scrambled. dan tried to figure out what he was doing. he didn't even want to think about any of it, he'd rather just get in a coma and not have to think about anything for a bit. like a break from existence, of sorts. phil pulled into his driveway, dan turning to him, "why are we at your house?" phil ignored him and got out of the car, dan sighing as he followed close behind.

"dan, look in the mirror." dan rolled his eyes and passed phil, walking into the bathroom. he looked in the mirror, whispering a quiet, "shit." his neck was dark red and light purple and it had gotten more visible throughout the day. "i can help you cover it up, if you want." dan signed, looking at phil in the mirror, "would you mind?" phil smiled and shook his head, " 'course not, i'll be back in a second. sit on the counter, or somethin'." dan sat himself on the sink counter, staring at his hands, waiting for phil to come back. he was a dumbass.

"alright, these should work, i think." dan looked up when he heard phil talk and walk into the bathroom, holding up two things of makeup, "thank you." phil smiled, setting the two things on the counter, "of course." phil put a small amount of the makeup on his hand and pulled the turtleneck down a bit. "phil, that's the hardest way to go about this situation." phil signed and took a small step back, "then how am i supposed to do this?" dan pulled his sweater over his head, phil's cheeks dusting light pink. "how does it only get more aggressive?" dan shrugged his shoulders, "probably because it would've hurt." phil nodded his head, "yeah, probably." dan hummed without noticing, looking at phil as he put makeup all over dan's neck and collarbones. "so," dan started, having no idea what to say, "how are you?" phil added more makeup to his hand and shrugged his shoulders, "i'm putting makeup all over my friend's neck, you?" dan nodded his head, "i'm alright, mildly embarrassed." phil shrugged his shoulders again, "eh, it's fine, i really don't really care." dan nodded his head, clenching his fists because phil was really hot and really nice, dan humming again. "can i ask who?" dan tensed, tapping on the counter, "yes- you can ask, you can ask anything, even who. i just don't know if you want to know. i'm sorry, i don't know how to talk." phil smiled and lightly shook his head, grabbing the other makeup, "it's alright." he struggled to open the container so dan grabbed it out of his hands and opened it, powder puffing all over the place. they both coughed, "i think i didn't open it right."

"you think?" dan nodded his head, smiling as phil taking the small container out of his hand and closed it. "i know i already said it, but thank you, really." phil smiled, handing dan's sweater back, "of course, i don't think you know how to cover it." dan slid the sweater back on and hopped of the counter, "i don't." dan stood next to phil and looked in the mirror, "damn, that actually worked." phil smiled, "that's what happens when you have friends who really enjoy taking drugs." dan nodded and they turned to each other, "thank you."

"anytime, preferably not all the time, though." dan smiled, "i'll do my best."


	9. nine

**1993**

dan and noah were lying upside down on the bed with their heads near the floor, staring at the wall. dan was looking at a takeout menu, "what about pizza?" dan turned his head, "sounds great." dan dropped the takeout menu onto the floor. "alright, i can't do this anymore," noah fell off the bed, his face light red, "how do you do that?" noah sat in front of dan, holding his face in his hands, "you know the answer to that." noah smiled, "everything's painless." dan hummed a 'mhm,' his face getting more red with every passing second.

noah kissed the corner of dan's mouth and mumbled, "you should probably come down." dan hummed in response, " 'cause your face is turning purple." dan sighed and noah pulled him off the bed, soon proving to be a bad idea, dan flipping over and onto noah. "dan," he nodded his head and got off of noah, "sorry, i'll go order the pizza." he left the room, tripping as he got up. he heard noah sigh but grabbed the pamphlet off the table, walking over to the phone. he picked the phone up, feeling noah's arms wrap around his waist, "dan?" he put the phone back and the paper on the counter, "yeah?"

"we should talk." dan tensed, noah noticing and sliding his hands into dan's, "what's wrong?" dan shook his head, "nothing." noah turned him around, putting his hands on dan's hips. he looked at dan for a few seconds before frowning, "oh- dan.." he gently pulled dan to him, "we're fine, you've just been off lately, that's all." dan sighed in relief and noah gently kissed him, soon pulling back and dan hugged him tightly. "tv talk and pizza?" dan hid his face in noah's neck and nodded, tightly wrapping his arms around him, "please?" noah hugged him back, "of course." 

**1994**

dan signed, picking at his food when phil sat down in front of him. "hey," dan looked up, "hey." dan went back to picking at his food, barely eating it, "dan-" phil moved to the chair next to dan, "no, i don't want to talk about it." phil barely nodded his head and dan dropped his fork in his tray, "i just- i keep fucking up, y'know? i can't keep my thoughts straight and there's only so much homework that can distract me; i know why, but there's nothing i can do about it." phil nodded his head and dan ran his hands through his hair, "can i help at all?" dan shook his head, picking his fork, shaking his head. "i wish you could punch me and i could feel it." dan bit his fork, "i wouldn't punch you either way." dan signed, accidentally biting a bit of the fork off. "dan-" he took the fork bit out of his mouth, dropping the fork back onto the tray, "i'll be back, m'kay?" phil signed, not even bothering to get up because he knew there was no point.

"olivia, i know you're mad at me, so will you punch me?" she turned around and looked at him, "we both know that won't do shit." he shrugged, glancing at anna, "please?" she sighed and excused herself, pulling dan outside, "why in the world do you want to be punched? 's not like you'd feel anything." dan sighed, thinking for a second, "maybe we didn't have sex, but chris did suck my dick." she turned for a second, not taking long to punch him. he didn't feel anything, but for some reason it helped, "are you serious?" dan nodded his head, realizing there was blood when it hit his lip. she punched him again, "also i may have-" she kneed his stomach and he coughed to bring his breath back, "i deserved that one." she sighed, running her hand through her hair, "that actually helped." dan smiled, "do you think that if you hit harder it'd hurt?" she paused for a second, "dan, you fell from three stories up and onto a driveway and barely broke your arm." dan paused for a second, "you're right, there's no hope." he smiled and held his fist up and she rolled her eyes and they fist bumped. "and she's back!" olivia smiled, "yeah, yeah, just don't hook up with my boyfriends, got it?" dan nodded his head, smiling, "got it, will you drive me home today?" she nodded her head, " 'course, dork."

dan went back to sitting with phil and olivia went back over to anna. phil looked up when dan sat down and handed him a napkin, "what did you do?" dan took the napkin, "i got olivia to punch me twice and she also kneed me in the chest, but i can breathe now." phil sighed, dan wiping the blood from his nose away, "it's not like it hurt." dan hummed and phil shook his head, "what is wrong with you?"

"probably the fact that i can't get hurt, am never hungry, and i don't sleep for three to four days at a time." phil tried to find a response, dan quickly eating his food, "what the actual fuck?" dan paused his eating, "you already know all of this, why are you surprised?" the bell rang and everyone around them stood up, "because you don't sleep!" dan nodded his head and they stood up, "and now you know, but there's class now." phil sighed, "you were punched and you're acting like you've had three redbulls." dan nodded his head, "yeah, that's why i asked to be punched." phil shook his head in complete confusion, "you're weird." dan smiled, "maybe i am." they went to their secret classes, barely making it before the bell rang again.


	10. ten

**1994**

dan sat at the cafe table, thinking more than he was working, blankly staring at the textbook in front of him. phil was attractive in every sense of the word, he was nice, and he was caring, and he left dan in awe no matter what he did. dan knew that he was crushing on him, between biting his lip and the things he felt, but he had a girlfriend. dan didn't know her name and phil didn't talk much about her, but dan preferred it that way. it didn't hurt as much. he had considered having chris and him use each other for their pent up sexual frustration, they both needed it, but he could never decide. he'd think about how his hair was pulled on, how the hands on his thighs felt, or how the lips on his neck left marks. then he'd think about phil. how his pure existence made dan happy, how phil smiled and how he talked. it wasn't like dan would be able to call phil his, there was nothing holding him back. maybe it was because he liked phil, but something told him not to, as if it were the equivalent of cheating. he'd still have to ask chris anyway, it wasn't worth all his time worrying about how he'd deal with his romantic life. it's not like it existed, he was a gay kid in the nineties. maybe he wouldn't get killed, but there was still so much else. the fate of his life was only half in his hands. people didn't like people like him, it just wasn't normal. maybe there'd be a few here or there, but only so many. that's why he had always only been friends with olivia, that was all he needed. he had the acceptance he needed, the friendship he needed, he was happy and that was what mattered. not whether he had a boyfriend or not.

dan looked outside and saw olivia's car pull into the parking lot. he grabbed his things and walked outside, the sun out but the weather too cold to let any snow melt. he opened the passenger door, sitting in the seat with his bag in his lap. "you good?" dan nodded his head, looking out the window, "never been better." olivia sighed and they sat there for a few seconds in complete silence. "are you sure?" dan bit his lip, it was so easy to get angry but he didn't want to. "yes," it was cold, he didn't want to have to think about it, much less talk. he just needed some time to get his thoughts together, to sort his mind out. that was all, not a therapy session. "alright, just don't fuck yourself over with whatever it is." dan didn't respond and soon enough they were gone. he really just wanted to sleep.

it wasn't like he couldn't keep himself collected around phil, he was just filled with so many emotions all at once. it was truly, truly draining. he was happy, but he was sad because he liked phil but phil didn't like him. he was angry because the world always did this to him, leaving him empty. he hated it because he couldn't just be normal no matter how hard he tried. he'd never get married, he'd go in and out of jobs because there were no laws protecting him in any way. he would be left with nothing no matter what route he took. if he faked it, he'd never be happy. if he didn't, there'd be nothing that the world left to offer him other than the hatred of others. it was simple, but he hated every option he had. it just wasn't worth trying to have a relationship, he'd gain nothing out of it.

he'd be graduating soon, anyway, it wasn't like anything would last very long and dan didn't want anyone to have to go through that. through someone just leaving, vanishing as if they never existed. everything seeming fine and then just have it completely stripped away without warning. he wouldn't wish that upon anyone.


	11. eleven

**1994**

dan and phil walked side by side, the weather tame for once. "you don't have to go with me to the party, y'know." phil nodded his head, staring at the snow under his feet, "yeah, but i'd like to keep you alive." dan sighed, looking at phil as a car passed by, "it's not like i'm gonna drink myself to death or anything." the house was within their vision, everything bright white. "it's not like you have a sense of control, you'll suffer no consequences from it." dan crossed his arms, the two crossing the street, "whatever." he passed by him, walking into the house flooded with teenagers. it was dark out, nearing eleven on new years eve. dan passed by people, finding his way to the alcohol, leaving phil to find him. phil would've called his name, but it was useless. between ac/dc playing and the people talking, it was too loud for phil to hear his own voice. he uncomfortably passed by drunken teenagers, having no idea of which direction dan went. everyone just blended together, phil having difficulty finding the curly-haired boy.

dan was leaning against a wall, staring at the drink in his hands. he didn't like being himself now and again, wondering what all the things he couldn't feel felt like. what it was like to be normal. he'd never know, he knew that, it just left him in a place that he didn't like. he looked up, biting his tongue as he saw phil find him in the sea of people. he finished the rest of his drink off before phil got over to him. they didn't say anything, dan humming while staring at his cup. "i need more to drink." phil signed, following close behind dan, not wanting to lose him again. dan didn't know what he wanted, he couldn't decide on anything, so instead he would drink. get drunk, make bad decisions, then wake up like nothing had happened. "is this just gonna be the whole night," phil yelled, as there was no other way for anyone to hear anyone, "you drinking and me following you?" dan shrugged his shoulders, turning to phil with a full cup, "d'you wanna talk or something, then?" phil shrugged his shoulders and dan sighed. they walked over to a wall where dan leaned against it, phil standing in front of him, and they talked. they talked about every little thought that came to their heads, dan going back and forth from the wall to the drinks each time he finished. he slowly got less and less of a filter, staring more and talking less until phil cut him off.

"that's not fair!" phil shrugged his shoulders, about to respond before dan talked, "i- i need to go outside." phil just nodded his head, guiding dan outside to keep him from hurting himself or others. they stepped outside, phil leaning against the house as dan felt dizzy. "are you okay?" dan nodded his head, not paying attention to much of anything. he turned to phil, trying to get the words out of his mouth and his body to work with his brain, "what time is it?" dan let himself fall against the building, phil shrugging his shoulders, "dunno." it was quieter outside, even though there were still a lot of people around them. dan just nodded his head, humming.

"do you want me to get you some water?" dan shook his head after a few seconds, staring at phil's lips. neither of them moved for a while, standing in the snow in the middle of the night at a house party. dan kissed him, only for a couple of seconds with no response. the moment he pulled back they could hear people yelling the countdown to the new year, starting at ten. dan didn't talk until seven, "i'm sorry, i-" phil shook his head, "it's fine." they got to five, "but-" phil shook his head again with a slight frown, "dan." phil heard them yell three, so he kissed dan, dan taking a second to catch up and kiss back. they heard one, but they didn't pay attention to anyone outside of each other. dan pulled back, tightly gripping phil's coat with phil's hands on his face. "happy new year," phil smiled and dan took a second to nod his head. "i'm going to get you some water, m'kay?" dan nodded his head, leaning himself back against the wall, "don't move from here." phil was gone before dan could get "okay" out of his mouth. he took a while to come back, dan beginning to wonder if phil had left. he came back, through, water bottle in hand, "just drink some, alright?" dan hummed in response, phil opening the bottle before handing it over. he drank roughly half of it before taking the lid out of phil's hand and fumbled to put the cap back on. 

 

"we should probably get going." dan nodded his head head, loosely holding the bottle in one hand. he followed phil, his hand in his, smiling a way he hadn't for a long time. no one paid any attention to them, dan not knowing if he'd ever stop smiling.

they walked down the sidewalk, the only sound their footsteps and dan's humming. he held phil's hand tightly to the point where phil had to ask him to loosen his grip, "dan, you're going to break my hand, please." he dropped his hand, "sorry." he put his hands in his pockets, the humming stopping. it had been nothing more than a kiss, but it made dan's breath short because while he wasn't completely sure of what he wanted, he knew he wanted that. if only he were sober. phil slipped and tripped, tumbling forward and onto the ground. dan tried catching him, but was too late, "are you okay?" phil smiled and nodded his head, dan holding his hand out. phil took his hand, getting up and falling back down, this time bringing dan down with him. there was snow stuck to his shoe, causing him to fall like it was a slip n' slide. phil was laughing as dan picked himself up off of phil. he smiled bright and wide and dan, cheeks dusted light pink. "we should probably get you back to your house."

"are we going to pretend like none of this happened or are we going to be something." phil sighed, tapping his fingers from dan's chest to his jaw as he spoke, "well, what do you want?" dan pressed his lips together for a few seconds, "i wouldn't mind if we became something, but if you don't-" phil looked so calm, with his eyes soft and his lips parted. "i wouldn't mind that either." dan smiled causing phil to smile, "we should really get you home, now." dan carefully got up, holding his hand out again, helping phil off the ground. he didn't let go of phil's hand, holding it loosely in fears he would hurt phil again.

they were quiet, walking the short distance to dan's house. dan hummed without noticing, phil finding it rather calming. phil dropped dan's hand when they got to the driveway, "we can talk more about tonight tomorrow, yeah?" dan nodded his head, "yeah." phil smiled, dan wanting nothing more than to just be with phil. be in the same room, barely acknowledging each other's existence but having the comfort of not being alone.


End file.
